35 Before 25: Teach Parents to Use the Internet

For Christmas 2006, I made my dad a pretty rocking computer. It's about the size of a small toaster oven, and it's capable of more than my parents will ever use it for. When building it, I decided it was time to get my parents onto the internet superhighway. Here's why

1) Unless if his NBA career skyrockets in the next 18 months, my brother will be moving away for his freshman year of college at the end of Summer 2008. This means my parents will be left at home with an overgrown three year old german shepherd, a menagerie of obnoxious birds, my mom's youngest sister and her four year old son. My mom's going to need someone to mother. As is, my brother's basically been renting a room in my parent's house for the last year or two, only appearing to microwave mini-pizzas and to ask for money to go to the movies. You'd think that they wouldn't miss him much.

I think the reality is my mom's going to lose a screw. The empty nest syndrome will hit her hard, and she may start crocheting sweaters for our dog before long. My mom will test the limits of unlimited mobile-to-mobile minutes as she looks to her eldest son for consolation. My hope is to lay the foundation that EMAIL is a viable way of communicating with me. Maybe that's callous, but I just don't think my clients will respect an attorney who has to keep interrupting meetings to take calls from his mom.

2) Even as their inexplicable non-sequiturs grow, I'm convinced my parents are actually intelligent people. Anything I've taken the time to explain more than once, they've learned quickly. In this case, they do want to learn. My goals are modest. Get them to use email, google for information, and maybe set them up so they can manage their bank accounts and bills online. Sounds easy enough, just have to put the time in. They bought me my first computer long before it was financially reasonable to own a personal computer. It's the least I can do to repay them.

35 Before 25: Non-Holocaust Revisionism or ReVision Quest, Part One

I'm still cooking up a better title for this, but when googling "Revisionism," it returned this. Hence, the awkward working title. I think I'm more partial to ReVision Quest at this point. That way, I could choose to say it's either an allusion to the Matthew Modine masterpiece, or a more esoteric reference to the native american rite of passage. It all depends on whether the person I'm talking to is wearing glasses.

There are some goals I've decided to strike. The first to go is the goal of purchasing one piece of clothes over $100 that is not a suit. Not because adventures in consumerism aren't exciting, but more because I've decided it's a more constricting challenge to assemble a wardrobe on a budget. It's like writing an italian sonnet, only gayer because of the distressed jeans. That said, fashion plate goals are temporarily suspended.

In its stead, I've decided to return to my roots and dust off the axe. My goal will be to learn five, previously unlearned songs on my guitar. I've decided to forget about composing any songs, as that was never my strong point. I was always more mynah bird than canary. This goal won't take long to accomplish, as I don't seem to have lost much in terms of dexterity over the last 7 dormant years. In order to make this more challenging, the songs will have to be from five different genres, eliminating the possibility that I could complete this goal by learning a half dozen Panic! at the Disco joints.

I can't even finish this post because all I can think of this returned result for Vision Quest.

35 Before 25: Go See at Least Two Concerts

I would like to dedicate this post to Guitar Hero II for the inspiration.

In my previous life, I loved going to shows. I then had one of my old man epiphanies. I think I was seeing the Blood Brothers at Chain Reaction in OC when I realized that I was one of the tallest people in the room. Then I noticed that I was one of the few who could grow facial hair. It’s hard for me to say exactly what brand of rock moves me, but it feels like passion for it is closely aligned to angst, technical songwriting and testosterone. I no longer have the teenage angst or the hormone overflow. I have a vague recollection of what it feels like to write songs. So what’s left? Bumping into sweaty strangers for a few hours?

The music is still there. I don’t feel like I latch on to the music with the same devotion, but I know I still enjoy the live music experience. I don’t care about fitting in at this point. I just want to know if I can rock. I don't have the hair to attempt some terrible indie rock haircut, as per the rock identity crises of this generation. So, what's the goal?

Go to two shows. If I'm into it, if I throw elbows, and forget myself for an hour or two, it could be the start of a rock concert revival for me. If I spend the entire time complaining about how loud it is, look for a quiet place to sit down, and ask the bartender if they serve lowfat milk, then maybe it's time for me to hang up my axe and tune the radio dial to the adult contemporary stylings of one Josh Groban. Or maybe Hall & Oates.

35 Before 25: Give Blood

This one is simple. There's a good chance based on my profession that I could end up ruining a few hundred lives before I get cast down to hades in my sleep, hopefully on a pillowcase full of hundred dollar bills. This goal would tilt the karmic imbalance just slightly. I give full credit to the Dr. House show starring Dr. House for giving me this idea.

If you're reading this, you should consider this one, too.

As an aside, I've been absent from this space of late because of a gnarly cold. My mind's been mostly consumed with not dripping snot onto strangers, but I reaffirm my conviction to providing you, dear reader, with a 15 second reprieve from your own uninspiring life. Be on the lookout for this weeks's newest feature, "Attorney/Client Secrets: Revealed!"

35 Before 25: Bowl Five 200 Games

Last year for my birthday, I received my very own bowling ball. What began as a hobby quickly turned into an obsession and I probably bowled a few hundred games last year. Going into 2007, I only have about three or four 200+ games on my resume. That just won't do. If I'm to command the respect of my pot-bellied peers at the lanes, I have to become Mr. 200. My goal is to bowl five 200 games in the next year and a half. This may require me to buy some strange accessories, but it will be worth it.

35 Before 25: Go to Costa Rica

As an undergrad, I never got the study abroad bug. Everyone I knew went abroad somewhere, but for someone reason I was wont to rebut proddings that I do the same, and stayed within this city's smoggy confines to read my British literature. I can see my student loan payments rapidly approaching in the rear view mirror, so I figure it's now or never. I'm going to Costa Rica this coming summer, taking two classes. One is International Environtmenal Law, the second is International Human Rights Law. It's also supposed to include "a field trip to communities under environmental threat, and visits to local legal institutions and social events," according to the program's presently limited web site.

This trip affords me the following opportunities:
- spend a month in a foreign country, giving me a chance to master my conversational spanish
- see a rainforest, possibly get into monkey-related mischief
- cement a law school friendship or two
- possibly get my first tan

The only real obstacle is money (which is what student loans were made for) and the administrative stuff (getting the app in, getting my passport, finding a place to stay after my class time ends). I have uncharacteristically high expectations for this. It has better be fantastic.

35 Before 25: Talk to Someone Famous

I've doubly reinforced the importance of this one after the Lakers game this past Friday night. As came out of the parking structure, we walked through a short row of cars that were being valet parked. I asked aloud to no one in particular "Who actually gets valet parked at the Staples Center?" I'm sidestepping a dark Bentley when I notice Dr. Buss, the owner of the team, steps out with a woman 1/3 his age. They cross a few feet by us and meet with a young group. In a unison monotone, they said "Hello, Doctor Bussssssss," the way you would greet a junior high math teacher if you ran into them at the movies. I noticed that Dr. Buss was wearing a jacket with some Poker website on the back of it, and remembered that he was a fan of high stakes poker, as in a couple hundred thousand won/lost in a night.

The point of this story is not to relate anything interesting at all. That's because I'm a coward. I probably know more about this man's team, his history as the owner, and the city's relationship with the city than anyone in my immediate circle, but I stood there and said nothing. I've always said that I would never be one of "those people" who bother celebrities while they're out and about in their everyday lives, because if I was them, I would hate to be bothered by strangers everywhere I went. That's true, but the more I think about it, the more I realize this is a well-crafted cop out. So in an attempt to face an irrational fear, I'm going to make like Lucille Ball at the Brown Derby and meet and greet someone famous in the wild. Here are the built-in challenges for this goal:
- I'm awful at starting up conversation with a total stranger. I try too hard, fake-laugh too much, and squish pretend bugs with my feet.
- If it's a celebrity I actually like, I'm going to come off like a blubbering crazy person. I must suppress these slack-jawed advances and stick to the script. Sorry to bother you. I appreciate your work. Keep it up, or something. I'm trying to model it after what Paul said to Weird Al the day he ran into him at Toi. Maybe that's a mistake.
- There are enough opportunities in this town, but I'm against hunting for a celebrity. It has to be like Luke Perry in Noah's Bagels in his pajamas or something like that (true story). I trust that the gods will deliver me something along the lines of Kobe Bryant lost in Fry's Electronics, as opposed to Gilbert Gottfried in a Jiffy Lube waiting room.

In all likelihood, this one may take the whole year+ to complete, but it will probably be one of the most memorable, temporary restraining orders be damned.

35 Before 25: Go Ice Skating

This goal is along the vein of things like "Develop a Consistent 3 Point Shot" where I somehow get a lot of enjoyment out of doing things I'm terrible at. I've been ice skating a few times and I constantly feel like I'm a split-second away from having an embarrassing obituary. There's also the danger factor of being sprawled out on the ice and having that one jackass who skates backwards the whole time saw off a few of my digits. I've had this nightmare more than once. It's terrifying.

Add in these facts:
- that it makes for a nice date out with the missus (is that term solely reserved for married people?)
- that it presents a semblance of a real winter in our extremely forgiving 60 degree Los Angeles December
- that ice skating downtown at night surrounded a smogless skyline feels surreal...

and it makes for a decent, doable winter-break goal.

35 Before 25: Fix Up the Car

It feels strange to say that I've had my car for five years already, but it is so. I should be more grateful than I am that I've had it this long without a major peep or problem. The only hiccup that's bugged me about it all this time is the dings and scratches it's accumulated. What's worse is that every single one (save one by the trunk) has been at the hand of someone else, usually while my car was parked and I was away helping blind orphans teach golden retriever puppies to become guide dogs. It's happened so often that I've rehearsed a face that I use when I come back to my car and find a new blemish. It's kind of like seeing that your four-year-old has crapped all over the sofa: you're angry for a few moments before defeat sinks in. After you've had your sofa crapped on so many times, it's not worth even complaining about any more.

So here's the plan: get some estimates from body shops, get a reasonable quote to patch up on the nooks and crannies and get the outside of the car to look as new as possible. Money is the only major obstacle here, but if it can be done under $300, then there's nothing standing in the way. Mr. Data, make it so.

Updated: here.

35 Before 25: Read 3 Books For Fun

For someone who happens to have a bachelor's degree in english, it might seem lame to only have 3 books on here as a goal. The truth is since starting law school, I've probably only read a single book for fun, and a few collections of essays. Well, no more. The first one on my list should be Catch-22. Not because I've still got summer reading from 1998 to catch up on, but mainly because Josh was kind enough to lend me his copy and I should really give it back to him someday.

The nice thing about this goal is the sense of satisfaction I get from completing a book. I miss that feeling. I don't get the same feeling after reading my 100th divorce case or case about a kid getting run over by a tractor. That's reality. I'm tired of reality. Besides, my brain could use a non-legal vocabulary tune up. Just because you're a judge doesn't mean you can write your way out of a paper bag, and many can't.

35 Before 25: Clean Out My Room at My Parent's House

I wish I could say the reason I've been putting this off is because of the sentimentality of keeping my room the way it was the day I moved out six years ago. That's got nothing to do with it. It's basically become my and my mom's personal storage unit. The furniture in there is all stuff my mom doesn't want in her room anymore, but doesn't have any place to put. The closet is full of old boxes from gadgets and electronics I probably don't have anymore. It looks like a place where unwanted Fry's merchandise goes to die. My bookshelf is in sorry shape. Between the Stuff magazines I read in high school to my old British literature anthologies from college, I've got a lot of sorting to do.

This project is one of the most time-consuming, but in a way most doable. Since I've got family coming from Mexico and Oklahoma this Christmas, it would behoove me to make this one of the first ones I do so that they don't have to use their suitcases as pillows. Besides, if there's anything incriminating in there I chose to store for the last six years, I need to find it and destroy it before I run for city council in 2012.

35 Before 25: The Introduction

Apologies to Amy for bringing the idea to my attention, but here's my attempt at 35 things I want to accomplish before 25. Why set the deadline at my 25th birthday? The way that I see it, I've got about a year and a half of life left before lawyer life sucks me into it's burdensome (albeit lucrative) bosom. I believe now, more than ever, that life only gets busier and more complicated the older we get. If I get past the bar the first time around, I've got about a year and a half to do some things I've been putting off for one reason or another.

My list is probably more modest than others who've done a similar list. There's no "Go to Top of Eiffel Tower" or "Rob a Major Financial Institution" on there. That's not out of laziness or lack of ambition. I have to be realistic in what I can do in the allotted time, while keeping up with work and school, with my meager budget. Some goals are much shorter term than others, but that's to allow for some sense of accomplishment as I go along. Depending on how successful I am, I might even add a few new ones along the way. Here's hoping I haven't bitten off more than I can chew.